I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize