I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
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