When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
