she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
