i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
