how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
