I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
it's like iHOP with fire
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
