Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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