the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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