I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
