I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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