my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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