Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
it's like iHOP with fire
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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