the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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