i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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