Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
