YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
