Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
