im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
