I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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