So gin and wine won't be happening again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
