Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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