First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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