3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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