OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
