I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
