Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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