Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
