bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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