One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
