Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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