I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I CAN MOONWALK!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
