I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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