went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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