yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
