I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
