I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
