I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
