Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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