Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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