Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Green mimosas i think yes
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
