I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
