I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
