I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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