bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
