i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
