Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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