she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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