Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
