My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
