From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
