I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
