Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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