Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
