addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize