When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
