Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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