There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
