Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
