I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
